Discernment Counseling: The Option Between Staying and Divorcing That No One Told You About

When two people aren’t in the same marriage anymore, the majority of individuals assume there are just 2 choices: stay with the other person and continue fighting, or split up. But what too many couples aren’t aware of is that there’s a third choice that is made just for that dreaded gray area between both options. The way to go is to go through discernment counseling, and that’s what some people didn’t tell you about.

When you are in the middle of choosing between divorce, or staying together in marriage, this is the sign you’ve arrived at this book.

What Is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment counseling is a short-term structured type of counseling for couples in which one partner may be in the “leaning out” position (seriously considering leaving the marriage) and the other is in the “leaning in” position (desiring to salvage the marriage). This is not “couples therapy”. It’s not marriage counseling. It is a self contained process.

Discernment counseling does not aim to resolve the relationship – not yet at any rate. To be clear and confident about working with the marriage or separation. It is an opportunity to take time to think, to think clearly, and to decide. And whatever it turns out to be.

Based on research by Dr. William Doherty of the University of Minnesota, discernment counselling has been developed to help fill in the void in the counselling world when couples cannot agree to attend counselling, yet they aren’t prepared to commit to split-up.

Who Is Discernment Counseling For?

A divorce discernment counseling is made to meet the needs of what therapists identify as “mixed-agenda couples” couples where one perhaps desires divorce while the other does not. This is a situation you see all the time and usual counseling approaches are not very successful with it.

You may be a good candidate for discernment counseling if:

• One partner has said that they were thinking about divorce or separation, but a final decision has not yet been made
• You feel trapped, disheartened or not able to engage in meaningful discussions regarding the future
• You’re not sure if it would even work to help couples, since you have different goals and mentalities
• You want to make a decision that is correct – not the easiest one in the moment
• Couples counseling has been done and failed to yield any significant results in the past

When you feel like you are walking on eggshells around the future of your marriage because you don’t know how to have a conversation about it, a container for this conversation is discernment therapy.

How Discernment Counseling Works

The greatest and most essential thing to know is that discernment counseling is not like couples therapy. Sessions are generally short 1-5 sessions – a certain defined mode is used throughout.

Each session may have a mixture of:

• Spend time together with both partners and counselor in the room
• One-on-one sessions with the counselor with each partner confiding to each other individually
• Reflective learning in which each person learns his or her own role in the problems they have with the other person

There isn’t any work on conflict or issues as in couples counseling. In that place, the counselor assists every partner in realizing themselves better and examining what they desire from the relationship and their own desires.

At the end, the couple can end up in one of three states:

1. Status quo – Nothing changes (but this is not usually the desired outcome)
2. Separation or Divorce – Understanding why and how to move forward with respect
3. A trial period of couples counseling – The program of couples counseling offered is conducted over a period of six months and is a trial for couples to truly make a sincere effort and work on the marriage.

There is a central focus to discernment counseling and that is the three path approach. It celebrates the truth that some marital relationships do not work out – but at the very least – some couples make a conscious and informed choice.

Why Traditional Couples Counseling Doesn’t Always Work First

If couples get into a crisis, and they are offered a choice of escalating their issues into couples counseling, that’s the advice that often comes to mind. When one spouse is inclined to start to draw back, however, offering any other partner months of marriage and relationship counseling could just have the opposite result. It makes the partner who is not certain about the relationship feel pressured and creates a set-up for failure in therapy.

Discernment counseling is a connecting bridge. It enables both individuals to feel heard and not pushed either towards staying or leaving because they: don’t feel pushed towards a therapeutic process if you are not committing to one for the long-term. There does not need to be a sense of wanting to save the marriage in the partner leaned out. The relationship doesn’t have to be defined as being ‘over’ just because the partner that is leaning in does not wish it to be.

This is why many therapists today suggest that couples participate in discernment counseling prior to beginning couples counseling when they are in mixed marriages. It establishes an atmosphere of trust and purpose so that subsequent counseling is much more beneficial.

What Discernment Counseling Is NOT

There are a number of misconceptions that need to be addressed:

It is not divorce counseling. A good discernment counselor is totally unbiased in the desired outcome. They’re there to assist you in finding clarity, not to convince you that you should stay in the same marriage.

It is not a tool to save the marriage. A good discernment counselor is completely neutral about the outcome. Their job is to help you reach clarity, not to steer you toward staying.

Not a long-term kind of treatment. The goal of discernment counseling is to be very short in its duration. It isn’t a healing process, it’s a decision making process.

It is not mediation. Does not address legal issues, financial matters or parenting plans.

The Role of Personal Responsibility in Discernment Therapy

Maybe one of the most effective features of discernment treatment is it moves the focus from blame to self-reflection. Most relationship disagreements are about how the other has behaved. In Discernment counselling the partner is gently encouraged to look inwards.

Questions such as What is my part in where we are now? and What would I have to do differently about myself if this relationship had been different? are all a part of the process. This is not about guilt or shame, but rather about a genuine awareness that comes from within oneself that brings clarity:

Even if the two lovers eventually decide to split, such a kind of personal reflection gives them each something to take with them when they move on. Their experience walks away with more knowledge about themselves – not just their marriage.

Is Discernment Counseling Right for You?

If you’ve gotten to this point and feel a kinship to this description – I am in this situation, too – then it might be a good idea to look into discernment counseling.

Consideration should be given to it if:

• You have been feeling lonely with your spouse for a long time
• You have a significant other who you feel good about, but you’re not sure if the relationship can be saved
• You don’t want to take the plunge simply because you’re afraid of making a decision that you may regret
• You have to believe that you can do whatever you decide on.

When a marriage is facing a crisis, discernment counseling provides you with the time to think, the framework to reflect and the assistance to make the decision that’s yours.

Ready to Find Clarity?

No need to take such a big step on your own or when you are afraid. Discernment counseling provides you with the time, space and support of the experienced counselor you need to go forward – whatever that forward leads to.

As professional couples therapists, at Go Beyond Talk Therapist we specialise in supporting couples during the most challenging times of their relationship to move forward in an honest, compassionate and caring way.