People take months of time to organise their wedding. Every detail to the obsessive extreme: the venue, flowers, guest list and more. But hardly any couples invest even a small amount of that time in preparing for the actual marriage.
Premarital counseling makes all the difference.
Premarital counseling is a type of therapy used to help couples develop a solid partnership before they wed. It’s not about fixing the problem. It’s all about anticipating their needs.
What Is Premarital Counseling?
Premarital counseling (also referrable to pre-marriage counselling) is a type of therapy designed to help couples create a solid base prior to entering into marriage. It’s not about fixing the problem. It’s all about anticipating their needs.
You meet with a certified therapist – or sometimes a minister or other faith community person providing Christian premarital counseling – to discuss your thoughts on money, differences, intimacy, gender differences, communication, attitudes toward family, and what you expect during your marriage. After years together, most couples find they had never discussed some things altogether.
Marriages start to steadily deteriorate in that divide.
Why Couples in North Carolina Are Turning to Premarital Counseling
The divorce rate in North Carolina is a bit higher than the national average. Research indicates that couples who engage in pre- or same-length counseling have better communication and a reduced risk of divorce.
The figures are astounding. A meta-study of 20 research studies with almost 10,000 couples found that premarital marriage counseling lowers the divorce rate by 31%. Several of these studies demonstrated as much as a 50% decrease.
What is the true meaning of this for you? Couples that undergo premarital counseling have greater success than 80% of couples who do not go through premarital counseling – they understand their partner’s attachment style, exactly how they react to triggers, and a plan for how they will manage conflict before it goes “winding up”.
This isn’t a theory. What happens when two people take time to clearly understand each other before the weight of real-life.
What Does Premarital Counseling Actually Cover?
Best pre-marriage guidance programs reach deeper than simply, do you desire kids? These are the topics sessions usually cover:
Communication Patterns: How do you cope with conflict together? Shut or escalate? Decide whether to direct with words, or as a set of signals to be read by your partner? The results of the research, published in Journal of Clinical Psychology, saw that the evidence-based premarital program leads to a 52% increase in communication skills among couples.
Financial Values and Expectations is a leading issue of marital conflict. Premarital sessions will assist you both in charting your monetary backgrounds, your spending practices, and how you will spend money as a family
Family of Origin and Roles The way that you see marriage has been the mold you were casted as a child. Your family had done it as well – with those blueprints rubbing shoulders often in silence for years before you bring it into the discussion.
Physical and intimate connection (not only physical). This is a tough one to broach before the wedding, and one that a couple pays dearly for when they marry
Christian Marriage Counseling with faith Couples who are interested in Christian premarital counseling may also explore how faith will influence the home they create together, have a shared spiritual vision, and use biblical principles as a foundation for counseling.
Life Goals and Non-Negotiables Children, career aspirations, desired living location, how you want to spend your time – these should not be taken for granted, but spoken with clarity.
The Premarital Questionnaire: A Tool That Opens Real Conversations
The premarital questionnaire is one the best aspects of premarital marriage counseling. A structured evaluation (usually done independently by both partners prior to sessions) that reveals areas of consensus and conflict in all the key areas of married life.
The following are all important items included in a good pre-marriage questionnaire:
- Your approach to conflict, and how you bounce back after
- Simmer down expectations of responsibilities in your house
- Parenting attitudes and discipline and family planning attitude
- Sexual compatibility and expectations
- Conduct related to longer family and in-law relationships
- Your financial behaviours and future plans
- What one needs to love and feel safe where they are
This questionnaire is not a biometric test that you pass or fail. It’s a map. It guides your therapist in his direction, and provides both of your vocabulary for discussions which you may have been avoiding.
Is Premarital Counseling Different from Regular Couples Therapy?
Yes – and there is a difference.
Couples therapy tends to be reactive and usually occurs after the problems start. There is some problem or defect that needs to be fixed, and you’re arriving to do so. Before marriage, there is counseling which is proactive. Building skills before need in pressure.
The lesson to take away is: Don’t put in training for a marathon the day before the marathon. This is the same with regard to marriage. Learning to fight fairly, tell it like it is, and get over conflict takes time – and the sooner you do, the easier it will be.
Another hallmark of premarital counseling is that it is typically briefer. Most couples end up doing the entire process in 4-8 sessions, depending on what arises and how deep one wants to go.
Christian Premarital Counseling in North Carolina
Faith plays a significant role in the marriage for many couples across North Carolina. In Christian premarital counseling, the emphasis is not only on spiritual principles but also on evidence-based therapeutic tools, which enable couples to:
- Position their marriage in accordance to their faith and values
- Look at the examples in scripture related to roles, forgiveness and commitment
- Develop a vision with home based on their convictions
- Seek to resolve interfaith conflicts through action/activities
A therapist with expertise in integrating faith and practice in treatment can see the spiritual and the psychological aspects of your relationship at the same time, and with no one aspect being more important or at the expense of the other.
What to Look for in the Best Premarital Counseling
Not counseling the same way, for pre-marriage counseling is not equal. Here are some things that really matter with regards to choosing a therapist or program:
- Licensed therapist – Someone who has earned an LCSW, LMFT, or licensed counselor who specializes in relationship and marriage counseling
- Structured curriculum – The optimal programs have a regular plan, and not just a turnkey discussion
- Both are active in the process – Sessions should elicit both voices (not just the more extroverted voice)
- Some experience with your issues – If you believe it’s important, find somebody who has that experience
- People who feel comfortable – they are able to be honest with the therapist, and the fit is important here
Practicing for more than 45 years, Phil DeLuca, LCSW is an expert in helping couples reach every stage of life – even while getting ready for marriage. His perspective is not on what people say, but what is going on between individuals.
Who Should Consider Premarital Counseling?
The truth: any married couple! If, however, the counseling does not take place before the marriage, it is particularly valuable if:
- You and your partner communicate in differing ways
- Whereas, both you and/or your parents were in a high-conflict or divorced home
- Frequently experience disagreements over the same issues
- You are trying to figure out all the blended family dynamics or stepchildren
- Faith is a major element of your life, and you want it to be a part of you
- They’ve had a history of anxiety, depression, or problem with drugs or alcohol
- This is your second wedding and you have never prior to that been married
Patterns from the previous marriage are very likely to be brought along in the process of remarrying, especially where couples are concerned. Before they can occur again, they can be caught in the act through premarital counseling.
Ready to Start? Premarital Counseling in North Carolina
Premarriage counseling in North Carolina is one of the best investments you can make for the future together if you’re engaged – or seriously considering it. What you talk about before you marry is what you’ll have to deal with for 20 or more years of marriage.
Phil DeLuca provides couples therapy to couples in Midland, Concord, Kannapolis as well as the greater Charlotte area in North Carolina, and online couples therapy for couples across North Carolina. Call and book your first appointment and begin creating a marriage for real.
Frequently Asked Questions About Premarital Counseling
The typical amount of premarital counseling sessions is 4-8. It varies considerably depending on what happens to be up for discussion during the questionnaire and how deep each of the partners wants to have to go. If a couple has a more complicated past, like a second marriage or major problems related to family of origin, they might need 10-12 sessions.
There is a range of different session rates depending upon the therapist and location. The cost of a session with a licensed therapist is $100 to $200 in the Charlotte metro and Cabarrus County. Many couples have been pleasantly surprised by the price when they see what many couples are spending on wedding planning – and what they are yielding for much more!
No. Couples who are functioning optimally but desire to continue in that optimal functioning are most appropriate for pre-marriage counseling. Premarital counseling is not crisis-driven – it is focused on preparing for the marriage. It provides skills for healthy relationships to stay strong when faced with pressure.
A premarital questionnaire is a counseling instrument which each therapist poses before or early in counseling. It includes communication, money, sexual boundaries, parenting philosophies, conflict styles and family-of-origin issues. It enables the therapist to see where couples are connected, and where things are likely to get sticky.
The basics are the same: developing areas of communication, establishing motivations, and fostering relationships. Christian premarital counseling also has and applies the concepts of Christian values, the Biblical concepts of marriage, and a spiritual structure for how the couple desires to build their life together. Both techniques can be made to work together in an effective way by a qualified therapist.
Yes. Most couples can receive premarital counseling in North Carolina online and it is as effective as doing it face-to-face. For a betrothed pair with hectic schedules or separated across the state, it is ideal.
Good premarital counseling addresses a couple’s communication expression, how they handle conflict, financial awareness; intimacy in the bedroom and bedroom; parenting expectations, boundaries with extended family; personal values, and life goals. The extent to which the premarital questionnaire focuses on a particular area, generally determines that area’s importance.
Good premarital counseling addresses a couple’s communication expression, how they handle conflict, financial awareness; intimacy in the bedroom and bedroom; parenting expectations, boundaries with extended family; personal values, and life goals. The extent to which the premarital questionnaire focuses on a particular area, generally determines that area’s importance.
Ideally, 3 to 6 months before your wedding date. This gives you enough time to work through what comes up without feeling rushed. Starting early also means you have space to practice new skills together before the wedding, not just learn them.
Studies conclude that yes, it makes a huge difference. Research with over 10,000 couples have indicated that pre-marriage counseling can increase the odds of success by as much as 31% in preventing divorce. The National Marriage Project also finds that current premarital therapy raises the likelihood that a marriage is going to last 34%. These are real, not anecdotal and consistent in large samples.
